"We cannot create self-love and a loving body image by “hating ourselves into it” – with a forced diet, lifeless exercise and hurtful thoughts."

This was a status shared on Facebook by Marc David, and I could not agree more.
I spent years hating my body, and thus myself, feeling like a failure in everything in my life by extension. I would loose weight through deprivation and then when I could no longer deprive myself, or when something would trigger those self hatred feelings, I would then regain all the weight I lost and more, eventually ending up weighing more then 400 pounds and hating myself and my life and dying a very slow death. I was miserable and everyone around me was miserable around me.
It wasn't until I decided that I was not going to live my life that way any longer that I was able to finally get a handle on my life. It wasn't until I decided that "I" was worth the effort that it would take to take care of myself.

Because I never thought I was worth the effort to take care of myself I spent all my time taking care of those around me, always putting myself, my needs on the back burner. Now caring about others is a wonderful thing, but you have to care for yourself too... At some point the well becomes dry if it never gets refilled. Not only would I not take care of myself, I would not allow anyone else the opportunity to support or encourage me, and when someone would try, I would either argue with them or pretend to agree. I wouldn't tell anyone what I was going through when I was going through it.

When I was looking at turning 49 and knew that 50 was just a year away, I took a good long look at my life and myself. I had spent the last few years dealing with all the emotional issues that life tends to dump on some of us, and I got angry. Not at all the things that had happened in my life, or with the people who had hurt me, not even with my "failures", I got angry with my self defeating attitude. It was time I started to give to myself the same understanding and support I always gave those around me.

I have always been the one others turn to for support and encouragement. I was the one who could understand everyone else and help them to work though the things they were going through, telling them that what they were feeling was understandable and that they had a right to what they were feeling but to not camp there...I could always find the silver lining in every grey cloud for everyone else. It was time to do the same things that I have always done for others, for myself. It was time to love myself, just as I am. It was time to accept myself just as I am. It was time to understand myself, just as I am. It was time to see myself the way others have told me they see me. I needed to focus on the things that were good about myself. And it was time to make peace with those things I did not like about myself.

It is amazing what self acceptance and self love will do for you. I found myself happier. I found myself able to be even more giving and understanding and encouraging to those around me. I am still working on allowing others to support and encourage me...(no one says that it all happens overnight). But more then that I found that I started making better choices and taking care of myself better. Because I started excepting myself rather then judging myself, I started making better healthier choices. Saying no to the cake no longer felt like deprivation.Going for a walk was something I chose to do instead of something I had to make myself do. The more I took care of myself the more I wanted to take care of myself.
I made the decision to have weight loss surgery, and I gave myself a year of focusing on myself. I can't say that it was easy, and in the beginning I had to post reminders to take care of myself. It's not easy undoing a life time of habits... But I am worth the effort.