"We cannot create self-love and a loving body image by “hating ourselves into it” – with a forced diet, lifeless exercise and hurtful thoughts."

This was a status shared on Facebook by Marc David, and I could not agree more.
I spent years hating my body, and thus myself, feeling like a failure in everything in my life by extension. I would loose weight through deprivation and then when I could no longer deprive myself, or when something would trigger those self hatred feelings, I would then regain all the weight I lost and more, eventually ending up weighing more then 400 pounds and hating myself and my life and dying a very slow death. I was miserable and everyone around me was miserable around me.
It wasn't until I decided that I was not going to live my life that way any longer that I was able to finally get a handle on my life. It wasn't until I decided that "I" was worth the effort that it would take to take care of myself.

Because I never thought I was worth the effort to take care of myself I spent all my time taking care of those around me, always putting myself, my needs on the back burner. Now caring about others is a wonderful thing, but you have to care for yourself too... At some point the well becomes dry if it never gets refilled. Not only would I not take care of myself, I would not allow anyone else the opportunity to support or encourage me, and when someone would try, I would either argue with them or pretend to agree. I wouldn't tell anyone what I was going through when I was going through it.

When I was looking at turning 49 and knew that 50 was just a year away, I took a good long look at my life and myself. I had spent the last few years dealing with all the emotional issues that life tends to dump on some of us, and I got angry. Not at all the things that had happened in my life, or with the people who had hurt me, not even with my "failures", I got angry with my self defeating attitude. It was time I started to give to myself the same understanding and support I always gave those around me.

I have always been the one others turn to for support and encouragement. I was the one who could understand everyone else and help them to work though the things they were going through, telling them that what they were feeling was understandable and that they had a right to what they were feeling but to not camp there...I could always find the silver lining in every grey cloud for everyone else. It was time to do the same things that I have always done for others, for myself. It was time to love myself, just as I am. It was time to accept myself just as I am. It was time to understand myself, just as I am. It was time to see myself the way others have told me they see me. I needed to focus on the things that were good about myself. And it was time to make peace with those things I did not like about myself.

It is amazing what self acceptance and self love will do for you. I found myself happier. I found myself able to be even more giving and understanding and encouraging to those around me. I am still working on allowing others to support and encourage me...(no one says that it all happens overnight). But more then that I found that I started making better choices and taking care of myself better. Because I started excepting myself rather then judging myself, I started making better healthier choices. Saying no to the cake no longer felt like deprivation.Going for a walk was something I chose to do instead of something I had to make myself do. The more I took care of myself the more I wanted to take care of myself.
I made the decision to have weight loss surgery, and I gave myself a year of focusing on myself. I can't say that it was easy, and in the beginning I had to post reminders to take care of myself. It's not easy undoing a life time of habits... But I am worth the effort.

Do you always feel as if you have to be strong?

Do you always feel as if you have to be strong?

I am having a bad day today, and I long for someone to just take me in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be OK… and yet I know that if someone was here and willing to do just that, I still would not lean on them. I never have.
I have never felt comfortable enough with anyone to be able to lean on  them. I think I have always believed deep down that if I was not strong, then I would not be loved. I have always been the one who has to fix everything. The one to shoulder the burdens.
I can’t blame those who I have been with for not being there for me if I never gave them the opportunity.
Instead I have always been the one who is there for everyone else. The one who says “it will be ok, you will make it through this” I am the one who provides comfort, and I love being that kind of person, don’t get me wrong. I am compassionate with others, why can’t I allow someone the opportunity to be compassionate with me?

I don’t know if I am afraid they will let me down or if I am afraid that if I admit that I am not as strong as I seem, that I have my weaknesses and bad days that they will not love me anymore.
Before my weight loss surgery I went through six months of therapy, and one of the things that we discussed is that I am very uncomfortable being vulnerable. And that was one of the underlying issues with my obesity. Being obese was actually one of the ways I kept from allowing myself to be vulnerable. It was a way of closing myself off from others.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t want to appear to be weak or needy. I want to be strong and perfect, because then, maybe then someone would love me… right?
This is an issue I thought I had a handle on… I have been working on being more open with others… I have been working on acknowledging my emotions and allowing myself to feel them and maybe that is what I am doing here, now… How can I feel so tolerant of others and so intolerant of myself. How can I understand that life happens and when someone is feeling vulnerable themselves its ok, and I want to be there for them, but not accept vulnerability within myself, and allow someone to be there for me?
I was sitting here wishing I did have someone I could lean on, wishing I had someone I could talk to, who would just hold me and let me unburden myself with them, someone who would tell me that it will be ok and that together we will work it all out… and then I realized that even if that someone was here, even if I had someone in my life I felt comfortable enough with to do just that, I probably wouldn’t.
Before my surgery I would be eating right now… probably a big bag of chips of some sort… (the crunch helped with the frustration lol)
But I can’t do that anymore. Even if I was to get a bag of chips I could only eat a handfull and that never made anyone feel any good.
I really don’t want to think about it, and I don’t want to think about the things that got all this started in the first place… But I do need to deal with it, or at the very least face it, examine it, and allow myself to feel it.

So my questions are, Do you always feel as if you have to be strong? Or are you comfortable allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust? And if you feel as if you have to shoulder your burdens alone, why? Do you feel as if there is no one you can trust enough to lean on, or do you feel as if they will no longer love you if you are not the strong one? If you feel as if you have to be the one deal with everything alone, how do you deal with the frustration? If you had weight loss surgery how did you deal with it before and how do you deal with it now?

54 Ways To Manage Your Feelings Before The Next Bite

54 Ways To Manage Your Feelings Before The Next Bite

Here is an article with some fantastic ideas on how to handle some of those triggers that cause us to reach for food when we are not hungry.

Check it out and tell me what you think

Deb

What brings you JOY? Why do you HATE?

What brings you JOY? Why do you HATE?

Beth of Melting Mama is one of my favorite bloggers and this post shows exactly the reason why.

So tell me, Why brings you joy.

How To Be Happy - #1

How To Be Happy - #1

Beth of Melting Mama fame has the right idea.

We do need to take the time to savor each and every moment of our day. I know, it is easier said then done, especially with the hectic schedules of daily life, but if we can consciously made the effort through out each day just to take in the moment, and smile... you will be surprised about how much better the day will become. String enough days together, you have a lifetime

Bariatric Style is about more then living life after bariatric surgery. It is about thriving and not just surviving, actually living rather then just existing. 

Since having had bariatric surgery in October 2010, my life has changed, and so have I. 

The things I have learned since having surgery and starting to get my life back are things that anyone can use, not just bariatric patients. Life is for the living and I am living my life to the fullest. 

So what is Bariatric Style? 

It is my way to reach out to other bariatric patients and others who want information on weight loss, why our bodies behave in specific ways and something’s that we can do to make our lives better. It is a positive, honest and open way to share my experiences and hopefully the experiences of others. It is about learning to love and accept ourselves as we are in the moment, even as we strive to make changes.  It is my opinion that it is just as important to change how you think as it is to change how and what you eat. 

We will discuss all aspects of life after weight loss with or without surgery. From shopping for new clothes to sex. From cross addictions to loose skin and reconstructive surgery. 

To start I will repost some of my other blogs and comment on anything that has changed since the original posting. 

I hope that Bariatric Style is both informative and entertaining for all who stop by to read and hopefully share their own thoughts, ideas and experiences. 

If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask. If I don’t have the answers I will be most happy to do the research and point you toward the right direction. 

I am looking forward to sharing my experiences and ideas. I hope you are too. 

Deb