Do you always feel as if you have to be strong?
I am having a bad day today, and I long for someone to just take me in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be OK… and yet I know that if someone was here and willing to do just that, I still would not lean on them. I never have.
I have never felt comfortable enough with anyone to be able to lean on them. I think I have always believed deep down that if I was not strong, then I would not be loved. I have always been the one who has to fix everything. The one to shoulder the burdens.
I can’t blame those who I have been with for not being there for me if I never gave them the opportunity.
Instead I have always been the one who is there for everyone else. The one who says “it will be ok, you will make it through this” I am the one who provides comfort, and I love being that kind of person, don’t get me wrong. I am compassionate with others, why can’t I allow someone the opportunity to be compassionate with me?
I don’t know if I am afraid they will let me down or if I am afraid that if I admit that I am not as strong as I seem, that I have my weaknesses and bad days that they will not love me anymore.
Before my weight loss surgery I went through six months of therapy, and one of the things that we discussed is that I am very uncomfortable being vulnerable. And that was one of the underlying issues with my obesity. Being obese was actually one of the ways I kept from allowing myself to be vulnerable. It was a way of closing myself off from others.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t want to appear to be weak or needy. I want to be strong and perfect, because then, maybe then someone would love me… right?
This is an issue I thought I had a handle on… I have been working on being more open with others… I have been working on acknowledging my emotions and allowing myself to feel them and maybe that is what I am doing here, now… How can I feel so tolerant of others and so intolerant of myself. How can I understand that life happens and when someone is feeling vulnerable themselves its ok, and I want to be there for them, but not accept vulnerability within myself, and allow someone to be there for me?
I was sitting here wishing I did have someone I could lean on, wishing I had someone I could talk to, who would just hold me and let me unburden myself with them, someone who would tell me that it will be ok and that together we will work it all out… and then I realized that even if that someone was here, even if I had someone in my life I felt comfortable enough with to do just that, I probably wouldn’t.
Before my surgery I would be eating right now… probably a big bag of chips of some sort… (the crunch helped with the frustration lol)
But I can’t do that anymore. Even if I was to get a bag of chips I could only eat a handfull and that never made anyone feel any good.
I really don’t want to think about it, and I don’t want to think about the things that got all this started in the first place… But I do need to deal with it, or at the very least face it, examine it, and allow myself to feel it.
So my questions are, Do you always feel as if you have to be strong? Or are you comfortable allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust? And if you feel as if you have to shoulder your burdens alone, why? Do you feel as if there is no one you can trust enough to lean on, or do you feel as if they will no longer love you if you are not the strong one? If you feel as if you have to be the one deal with everything alone, how do you deal with the frustration? If you had weight loss surgery how did you deal with it before and how do you deal with it now?
