The Airplane Theory, Help Yourself, First!

By: Greg Foster

 A few years ago, I went through a complete life remodeling.  I was in the middle of a divorce with my wife and throughout the breakup had lost the majority of my possessions.  I was in my last semester of college and was working for the family business while desperately looking for employment in my line of study.   Due to the economy being in the toilet and my lack of experience, I wasn’t having any success.  My emotions were running the gamut from fear and anxiety to depression and self-loathing.   I wasn’t sleeping more than a few hours a night and was becoming increasingly less healthy.  I couldn’t focus on any particular thing and was constantly feeling overwhelmed due to the myriad of emotions and trials I was facing.  I was stuck and had nothing in regards to an exit strategy.

This was of course, until I met my best friend (who has been my girlfriend of over two years), and she shared with me a premise that changed my life.  We call it “The Airplane Theory.”  

Now, most of us have been on an airplane.  Before the flight takes off, there is usually a short instructional movie or a presentation given by the flight attendants that explains basic airplane protocol, acceptable behavior and what to do in the event of an emergency.  One of the topics covered in the presentation is what to do if there is a change in cabin pressure – an oxygen mask will drop from the overhead panel.   It is always encouraged to make sure to secure your own mask before trying to help anyone else with there’s.  This same practice is applicable in life.

As a human being it is nearly impossible to help others when your own life is in disorder.  If this is the case, it is imperative to take the necessary time to get yourself healthy and well.  This is not a selfish act; in fact, it’s the best thing that you can do for yourself.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing yourself to become stable once again.  A problem in our society these days is that we spread ourselves too thin and don’t allow for the necessary time to completely recover.  It is important to love and care for yourself and to remember that regardless of everything else, you have to put yourself first.   

When I read this story I was reminded of making the choice to put myself first when I started this journey I have embarked on. It was a difficult decision to make. To me choosing to put yourself first is something that selfish self centered people do, and that was not the person I wanted to be. But the fact of the matter the truth behind always putting someone else first had nothing to do with whether or not I was selfish and had everything to do with whether or not I felt worthy of my own self care. 

I had to actually make putting myself first a goal and a gift that I would give myself. I had to finally realize that denying my own needs and desires was a big part of what got me to where I was in the first place. 

It was not an easy choice to make but it was one of the best choices and one of the healthiest choices I have ever made in my life. 

I remember the day I got married, I sat in my mother's bedroom crying. I did not want to get married. I did not feel it really was the right thing for me to do at that time. I was not in love with the man who was going to become my husband. I did love him and we had been together for a couple of years, we had a daughter together, and had been living together almost as long as we had known each other but I really did not want to get married. I felt pushed into it. My mother thought because we had a daughter together that we needed to get married. The wedding was planned in a very short time. Everything was rush rush... and there I sat on my wedding day dreading it. I looked to my best friend and I told her that I didn't want to do this, but she was in no better place then I was at that time, she just looked at me and told me she didn't know what to tell me. 

All I could think about was how angry everyone would be, My father had come down from Tampa to give me away, my mother has spent all that money, I had family coming from all over, and I really didn't want to hurt anyone. And everyone else was more important then what I was feeling. I wanted someone to tell me that I didn't have to do what I didn't want to do. 

Five years and three more children later we were getting a divorce. The truth is we were better divorced then we ever were married.  I loved him and he loved me as much as we could possibly love anyone, but always in the back of my mind was the fact that I did not want to get married, and I was not secure within myself to say so at any point along the way. What everyone else wanted was more important then what I wanted, more important then what I felt was right for me. I don't know how my ex-husband felt at that time, but I would not be surprised to find out that he felt pretty much the same way. He too had issues with telling others no. 

This had effected every aspect of my life. I don't believe in living with regret but if I have any regrets it is never having been able to stand up for myself as a person, a woman, a mother, a daughter and a wife. 

The thing is, as long as we have breath it is never to late to learn, to grow.

As I embarked on my journey to a better life,  I had to do just that. I had to take care of myself first. 

It was in doing that, I realized I had so much more to give others when I took care of myself. When I did what I needed to do for myself. I was a better mother, a better daughter, a better woman, a better person. I was happier and becoming healthier. I had more energy and wanted to do more for others. It was my choice. It was what was right for me. 

I am still learning be true to me. I still have issues with saying no. I still have issues with wanting to please everyone. But I am learning, I am growing and I am getting better. I am making choices I can live with, choices I can be happy with, I am setting boundaries making sure they are respected. It is not always easy... but each time I do, I feel better about myself, I feel stronger and happier and healthier.
And I have so much more to give.